Why Good Compliments Hit So Hard — and How to Give One That Sticks

By Matt Ritter, The Friendship Guy

We hear a lot of praise in life — but not a lot of real compliments.

You know the kind:

• Unprompted

• Weirdly specific

• Delivered out of nowhere

• And somehow... exactly what you needed to hear

Most of us only get them in wedding toasts or eulogies.

But when done right, a low-key, well-timed compliment can change someone’s whole day — or their whole view of themselves.

So what makes a compliment actually land?

1. Most People Are Starving for Honest Feedback

Studies show people underestimate how meaningful compliments are — and overestimate how awkward they’ll feel giving them.

One study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who receive compliments feel more seen and appreciated than we expect — even if the compliment is short or simple.

The takeaway?
We’re all walking around hoping someone says, “Hey, you’re good at this.”
But no one wants to go first.

2. Unexpected Praise Leaves an Emotional Imprint

When you compliment someone at a moment they’re not expecting it — not after a win, not at a milestone — it breaks through the noise of everyday life.

Psychologists call this a “positive expectancy violation.”
The surprise gives it power.

Saying “You’ve always been the calm one in the storm” hits harder on a random Tuesday than in a birthday card.

I’ll never forget this:
When my second son was born, the nurse looked at me, mid-chaos, mid-screaming toddler, and said, “You have a calming energy.”

I’ve been holding onto that one ever since.
Still use it as ammo when my wife says I’m being annoying.

3. Saying It Makes You Feel Closer, Too

Research from the University of Pennsylvania found that giving gratitude or praise makes the giver feel just as good — and just as connected — as the receiver.

Compliments aren’t just nice. They’re connection builders.

When you make someone light up, you create a shared emotional moment — especially rare in friendships that don’t always use words.

4. The Best Compliments Reflect Identity, Not Achievement

Here’s the biggest shift:

Most people compliment what you did.
The compliments that land? They’re about who you are.

Don’t just say:

“You crushed that meeting.”

Say:

“You’re the kind of person who always makes the room feel smarter without making people feel small.”

One feels polite.
The other feels unforgettable.

Want to Try It?

Here’s a prompt:

“What’s something I’ve thought a hundred times about a friend, but never said out loud?”

Now text it.
Doesn’t have to be perfect.
Just has to be real.

📩 Want more simple moves like this?
Join the free 7-Day Friendship Challenge — one 5-minute action a day to build better friendships.